Thanks to Dr. Shogo’s one month mentoring course on being a Blue Chip Woman, I have heard and been taught quite a number of “self-“ topics. Self-awareness, self-development, self-leadership, self-motivation, I can go on and on… And then one day during class, he took his time to talk about the laws of life and one of those laws is FORGIVENESS.
He talked about what most of us already know – how forgiving the other person is mostly for you, how growth occurs only when you have forgiven whoever erred you, how you cannot drink poison and expect the other person to die – letting go of the bitterness etc.
So, all of these things I have heard and learned in the past – I’ve had a few encounters with people where I was cheated, taken for granted, looked down on and I had to do some forgiving to move on… but then it struck me that while some of us have mastered the art of forgiving others easily, we have overlooked or maybe are not familiar with the concept of self-forgiveness.
I thought about what I wanted to write in this post, how I wanted to describe self-forgiveness and why it is so important. Then I concluded, this post does not have to be so lengthy that I’ll end up boring you – I will just strive to hit the nail on the end.
You see, recently I was taught that if you do not learn to say “no”, you will be fulfilling the desires of others while you, your plans, your growth suffers. Many of us do not know when and how to say “no” to things that are detrimental to us – in our relationships, our friendships, business transactions, etc.
Someone offers you shitty money for a service you know costs a whole lot more, you say yes because you attached sentiments. Your lover wants to have unprotected sex with you, and you let him/her, even though you suspected this whole time that he/she has kurukere waka – bottom line, you catch an infection because you wanted to be “submissive”. A fellow church member tells you you’re not a true Christian ‘cause you’ve not joined a department in church, forgetting that there are other ways to serve God, than to force yourself because of some false guilty conscience.
You see the signs – matter of fact, you saw them before you entered that relationship that this person is not good for you, but you enter into it regardless because well, what else will you do with your life if not find a partner and obsessively depend on them till shit hits the fan… (remind me to write about OBSESSIVE DEPENDENCY later in the future). So you stay in that emotionally, physically and psychologically abusive relationship because you cannot just imagine life without you being in a relationship!
It is appalling the number of times I have heard girls say, “I can’t leave him, what am I going to do with myself!” You need a knock on the head.
You’ve let your emotions get in the way many many times, stopping you from getting T&C of a contract in black and white – an action that ended up letting you sweat for nothing, zero, zilch! You’ve let fear and other emotions stop you from backing out when you know you’ve (like my Pastor would put it) ‘over-saturated’ that situation; and stop you from just plain saying “no” to yourself – to the actions and habits that have cost you too much, and to other people that are detrimental to your entire well-being.
You’ve let yourself overindulge – gratifying excessively your desires to party, drink, sleep, binge-watch movies when you could have been practicing your craft, reading, planning etc.
You’ve let yourself fall back, be cheated, abused, fvcked over and over again… your spirit, soul, body, ego, self-worth, have literally been beaten to a pulp – your dignity has been torn away and you keep going back and keep attracting the people that treat you like shit, or help you treat yourself like shit!
Then after series of these encounters, you pick up the mantra “humans are (insert your cuss word), #selflove henceforth.”
*applauds* Maybe at this point you’ve started getting it, that you should put yourself first. Or maybe it’s just the pain talking and you will still wiggle back into the old ways.
So yeah, let us go with the assumption that you really really have learnt your lessons and you are ready to commit (to) the scene of falling completely in love with the person that you are – embrace your strengths and weaknesses, know your boundaries, know when to say no to yourself and others… that’s all great! I only have one question:
I mean yeah, we know you are ready to move on, experience has taught you – so you want to put yourself first – how are you going to put that person first, though? That person that is the sole reason why you are even here in the first place! The person that is responsible for your lagging behind, for the scars you now bear… how do you even trust that this person has your back now? That he/she won’t let others walk all over you or have certain conversations with you that will make them view you one way, like he/she once allowed?
Oh no… you don’t trust this person! Deep down inside, you actually hate this person! Forget the selfies you put on Instagram with #selfloveSunday as caption… this person is responsible for so many things that has gone wrong! You have fvkced up so much that you do not even want to identify yourself with yourself!
Oh but hunnay, except you have figured out how to rewind time, this journey to self-love and being a better person that makes better choices must happen, and it must start with forgiving yourself first.
Forgive yourself for letting yourself down, for surrounding yourself with the wrong people. Forgive yourself for not believing in yourself – your abilities and capabilities. Forgive yourself for procrastinating, for skipping stuff until you never do them again. Forgive yourself for not stepping out of that relationship way before you eventually did, forgive yourself for accepting to be in a one-sided situation.
Forgive yourself for sending the right people away from your life, with your anger, selfishness and bad decisions. Forgive yourself for letting other people tell you who are you, forgive yourself for not taking charge and showing people how to treat you.
Forgive yourself for feeling entitled, when you could have just gotten up and gotten shit done by yourself for yourself. Forgive yourself for not appreciating the things that others do for you, no matter how small they are.
Forgive yourself for comparing yourself with others, and feeling miserable for who they are and you’re not, when you really should have been walking your own path – owning your own race and pace.
Forgive yourself because you know you’ll do better, you’ll act better, you’ll love better.
This act of self-forgiveness is not a snap-your-finger, bam! thing. It is a journey. A journey that even I am on – and it does not mean that you’ll suddenly just drop all these things you used to do and allow – it only means you’ll catch yourself when you are about to do them and you will NOT do them!
Forgive yourself, my darling. Then love yourself and trust YOU. Trust your intuition, your gut feeling, your sixth sense, your strengths. Trust that the only validation you need is from within – is your own! ‘cause like my coach would say – life is inside out.
Write-up on SELF-FORGIVENESS by The Rebelkween